So I've done all right with eating more thoughtfully, moving around at least 30 minutes (almost) every day, gargling saltwater, etc.  Flossing and the second daily toothbrushing have sort of fallen by the wayside after the first week, but oh well.  Still have to make dentist and doctor appointments, yada yada.  Going to acupuncture and giving more energy and attention to my health has been helpful though, and I feel more in touch with my body.

Last month's project laid some great foundation and lately my gf and I have been getting along well and being sweet to each other, I'm feeling really great about our relationship.  So I do think this theme project business is helpful, if only in that I give attention to areas in my life that I value.

I'm wondering what next month's theme should be.  I'd been thinking activism, but that doesn't feel so pressing.  I'd also thought about spirituality, and I'm considering that.  I've been having some challenge with friendships lately.  Yesterday a person I'd thought of as a friend, but who hasn't been one for awhile, insulted my dog when I suggested a doggie playdate as something we could do together, since we haven't hung out in awhile.  He told me, seriously, with a grimace, that he didn't want his dog to pick up bad habits.  My dog (a rescue, found starving on the streets) was, he implied, not good enough to go to the fucking park with his $600 special breed dog. He complains to me about his ex-boyfriend every week but doesn't even know what I do for a living.  He doesn't want to hang out with me.  And honestly, I don't want to talk to him.  I don't like him.  But that's someone I think of as my social circle.  Bullshit.

It's like those "friends" I wrote about the other week.  Those aren't real friendships.  They aren't even people I really want to spend time with, and honestly, they aren't the least bit interested in me.  But I have the habit of associating with them.

I think I need to spend some time thinking about my friendships and who I really want in my life and what kinds of friends I'd like to have and don't.  And also who I want to spend less time with and how to do so.  Guess that's February.

Two I woke up hungry and didn't eat immediately and -- surprise! -- became really irritated with my girlfriend and then burst into tears.  I've never dieted before and not surprisingly, it's not for me.  My lady sat me down, made some tea, told me to eat, and said, "If you get too discouraged you won't make any healthy changes, so stop making this so punishing.  Cuz also?  This isn't a healthy, sustainable change.  Because you are so hungry you're crying."

I have a history as an overachiever, and I think overachievers plus diets can be dangerous.  I watched this horrible, horrible movie this week, "Disfigured," that I thought was about fat acceptance and friendship, and was actually a fat woman asking an anorexic woman for "anorexia lessons."  It was so sad for many reasons, especially because it makes anorexia seem like an effective diet.  I felt so discouraged, because when it comes to weight loss, we quickly lose all pretense of health.  I wanted to keep track of my eating to have better habits.  Less sugar, fewer fried foods, that sort of thing.  More of the local, seasonal veggies and fruits that I sometimes ignore for pizza. I'm not as worried about cutting 500 calories a day as I am about cutting the non-sustainable, unhealthy ways that I was getting extra calories in the first place.  Which was by not exercising as much as I like and need, and not cooking as much as I like and need, and choosing yummy over satisfying.

What I can't do about dieting, about this cutting calorie thing, is the joylessness.  It's not "What do I want?" but "What can I have to stay under my calorie limit?"  Depressing.  I am a joyful eater.  I delight in soups and salads, in rich dessert and fresh fruit, in my meals.  I like that about me.  I'm not willing to lose that to be a smaller size.

Skinny wasn't my goal in the first place.  Healthy was.  It's hard to remember that when you're keeping track of what you eat and how many calories. Thank goodness for my lady, who reminds me.

This is not related to this month's project or really much of anything. I have a friend of long-standing who, at 29, has never had a job, mostly for want of trying. He went to college for a long time, then a few different academic programs, though he has yet to start an advanced degree.  We've been close for many years, and lately, I've been really annoyed with him.  Some of it is stuff that we're both aware of and has been personality/communication skill difference for a long time.  But some of it is new, and the new part is that I think he's lazy.  I think it's bullshit that his dad is supporting him when he goes from school to school, program to program, vague aspiration to vague aspiration, saying he's applying to grad school just as soon as he finishes this incomplete or does this cool, unaccredited program or gets a post-bach to boost his lowly GPA.  Eventually he does it, part of it, but still doesn't apply to grad school.  I'm sick of him complaining about not having any money when he openly will not look for a job because it's "discouraging."  (Seriously, it's discouraging for everybody).  I'm tired of hearing about his grand, huge ideas for a thesis or an academic career or how he'll go to some extremely selective grad school, and worst, his fall back career plans.  His fall back careers are things like, for example, the field that I work in, which he has no training or experience in, but is a reasonable fall back, of course.  (The implication I hear is, "How hard can it be if you do it?").  I'm sick of hearing about his life, his partying with 21-year-old undergrads and constant drama and the papers he wants to hash out, his endless college student days.  I used to like this, his academic excitement, how we could exchange ideas for hours, and now it annoys me. 

Because some of the things we exchanged ideas about look hella different in practice, outside of college walls.  Sometimes a well-written article misses the heart that you experience only by doing, and the knowledge that comes with that.  When he pontificates about something I'm not familiar with, I'm not fascinated anymore.  I'm bored and annoyed that he's monopolizing the conversation with something I don't care about and talking in a way that seems almost intentionally inaccessible.  When he rambles on about something I am interest in or have first-hand experience with, I get annoyed, because, damnit, he's not the only one with things to say, and usually he don't treat my opinions or experience with respect.  Even when I know in a way that he doesn't, because he's acting like an expert.  He talks like an expert compulsively.  Which is fine, which I did too, when I was a freshman in college.  It's part of college.  But normally, it mellows.  I have friends who are grad students, even professors with freshly minted PhDs, and they don't do this.  Because they know that reading something isn't the same as going in depth with it, making it part of your life.  And they finish stuff.  Now I find his approach to learning, and most of our conversations, frustrating because his lack of follow through, his pompousness (which I know comes from insecurity), his self-absorbed self-indulgence.  

I've done really well these first three days of 2012.  I've brushed twice and flossed once every day, did the neti pot treatment once, did oil pulling once (and I've decided to do it only once a week because you're supposed to do it first thing in the morning and most days I don't have 20 minutes to slosh oil around in my mouth).  I'm going to acupuncture tomorrow.  I've done at least thirty minutes of exercise every day, kept track of what I ate, and stayed a couple calories under each day thus far. I've gone to bed at a reasonable hour, generally.  I haven't called a doctor or a dentist yet.

I even went to a gym yesterday to start my trial membership.  I'm not a gym person, and I felt so uncomfortable that I haven't actually exercised there yet.  I don't know.  My gf goes there and I'll go if it's a thing we do together a couple times a week, but I'll find other ways to exercise if that doesn't pan out.  I'm really into (this is so silly) these ten minute workout videos we can get on demand on our TV.  Ten minute abs!  Five minute dance!  Fifteen minutes for your arms!  They're weirdly energizing and I can convince myself to do them because of course I have ten minutes free in my living room.  And then I'm psyched for another.

Know what I'm not psyched for?  The constant monitoring of what I'm eating and how many calories and how soon I can record it all and figure out what else I'm allowed to eat today.  I tried calorie counting back in November, after swearing to lose weight starting in September and staying exactly the same weight for two months.  I kept track of stuff of a week or two, and quit because I felt neurotic.  I didn't want to be someone who looks at lettuce and thinks "5 calories a cup."  I want to look at lettuce and think "What would make this maximum delicious?"  The other thing that killed my past calorie counting was going out to eat.  One day early on I treated myself to a post-work vegan cinnamon roll because I'd walked a lot and I really, really wanted one.  Then I came home and my lady said, "Just talked to so-and-so and they want to meet up at your favorite vegetarian diner."  So of course I went and had half a gazallion calorie burger and milkshake, with fries, because: 1) I was there being social, and what's more social than fries?, 2) it's tasty, and 3) I can't get really excellent veg burgers everywhere, so why waste it?  I went about 1,000 calories over, got discouraged, and decided that I'd rather be 135 lbs and happily eating than 120 lbs and worrying about every single thing I ate.

So what changed?  I don't know.  I still want to eat fries.  But I'm doing this, damn it. I strongly look forward to not writing down everything I eat and its caloric significance, and when I'm used to not getting the vegan cinnamon roll and the burger and the milkshake and the fries the vast, vast majority of the time, then I will.


Cross-posted with EverydayHealth.com

First, I have to say that I have it pretty good health-wise.  I'm 28, without any serious illnesses or chronic issues, other than seasonal allergies.  Though I want to lose about 15 pounds, that's honestly mostly vanity.  I don't think my weight is harming anything other than my self-image, and that could be that until my mid-twenties I never bigger than a size 4, usually smaller.  I was a skinny kid and a bit of a late bloomer, and in my early twenties I was a serious dancer, so my idea of my body's "natural" weight is skewed.  Now my metabolism is a little slower, and I'm less physically active.  I eat healthier than I used to when I cook, but when I go out to eat, I still eat like I'm an athlete burning a zillion calories a day.  Which, you know, I'm not.  I had a lot of life changes in the last year.  Good, excellent changes that make my life better, but changes that helped me put on between 10 and 15 pounds that I'd like to shake now.  I say this because I don't want to pretend that I *have to* lose weight.  Though height/weight ratios aren't accurate for everyone or really a predictor of health, I'm still on the bigger end of the "healthy" range, not technically overweight.  I loved my body last year when I was right in the middle of the "healthy" range.  I miss that body. Some healthier choices I'm working on that aren't weight-related are actually more important for my health, but truthfully, it's the weight that's on my mind.  Let's unpack that another day.

Still, I don't want focus on weight loss in a way that harms my health.  So here's what I'm doing: food journaling, to keep me aware of what I'm eating and focused on nourishing my body with food, not just scarfing what's tasty.  (I started this morning).  I'm exercising at least 30 minutes a day, which I already do most days but not all, because that's supposed to be a huge benefit to your health.  I'm adding strength training to my walking, dancing, and yoga routine.  I'm going to commit to varying my workouts every month or so.  And for this month, my gf and I have committed to forgoing restaurants more than once a month, which crushes me just a little.  Seriously, I love going out to eat, I love getting a pastry and chai, I love happy hour.  I don't do it all the time, but I probably enjoy a restaurant meal once or twice a week, and a treat and tea or appie and cocktail another one or two times a week.  My lady is even more of a foodie (though she has less of a coffeeshop or cocktail habit).  We're trying to save some money, and save ourselves from some serious calories, so (almost) no dining out this month.

Other health goals: Going to bed on time every night, having a bedtime routine that includes brushing (in addition to doing it in the morning), flossing, either rinsing my allergy-prone sinuses with a neti poti or keeping my gums healthy with oil pulling.  I had a ton of colds last fall, so I'm also committing to gargling salt water every day after work or before dinner on the weekends, and to going to acupuncture every week.  This month I'm also going to go to the doctor for a pap smear I've skipped for the last three years (yikes!), and to the dentist for the first time in even longer.  And I'm going to start to monthly breast exams.

I'm also going to do some fun stuff inspired by this month's O magazine, including getting a pedometer, calling an old friend, and drinking green tea.  I'm going to learn to ride a bike as a way to commute.  And I'm going to join my gf's gym so we can work out together (and so I can sample more classes, mixing it up, since last year I only went to one dance studio and did basically two styles of dance).

If you've got health projects underway or you're starting some, I'd love to hear from you.  What has worked for you in cultivating healthier habits?


Cross posted at EverydayHealth.com

First, Happy New Year!  Just got back from a little getaway, and though it didn't go the way I'd imagined, it was pretty lovely.  Back at home my lady is baking for a party we're hosting, and I'm taking a minute to write.  I've said almost everything I have to say about this theme, and most of all I'm glad for giving time to it and I'm inspired to keep some of the work going in my life.  I'm looking forward to next month's project.  Yada yada.  

Anyway, recently I read about a new book from Seal Press, Elena Azzoni's "A Year Straight: Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Lesbian Beauty Queen."  Like a lot of people, I'm put off by the title, which does, however, sum up the memoir's theme as far as I can tell.  Full disclosure, I only read the first chapter, so I'm relying largely on other reviews and Azzoni's website for the details.  Basically, she was 2007's NY "Miss Lez," living a very particular kind of young, urban lesbian life, Sex and the City but gay, you know?  Which is legit; we do that.  Anyway, then she gets a crush on her male yoga teacher, of all obnoxious things, and decides to give gentlemen a shot, so tries with the yoga teacher, with random dudes, and guys all over the board.  She eventually gets a fellow, and now is about to have a baby with her baby daddy (her term).  She didn't date boys for about ten years, since college, and then, bam, hella dated boys.  And she didn't know the straight rules, found her expectations from lesbian relationships clashing with the straight boys she was banging.

Some queer ladies are pretty annoyed that the term "bisexual" pretty much never appears, and that framing it as "boy-crazy lesbian" plays into "lesbians just need the right man!" nonsense.  The thing I find weird about this book and the story around it is that sexually fluid people, especially young women in queer communities, aren't exactly unheard of.  I mean, Daisy Hernadez has written about being bi and dating women and trans guys for most of her twenties, then getting a cis straight boyfriend and how different her expectations were.  Hell, Jennifer Baumgartener's "Look Both Ways" was super lacking but even she mentioned that having serious lady sweeties changed her relationships with men, too.  Jaclyn Friedman, badass author of "Yes Means Yes" and "What You Really, Really Want" (which I am loving so hard right now) writes about how she mostly dated women and trans men in her twenties and lately has mostly been interested in cis guys, and she still identifies as queer, even as she explains that hetero dating is conservative and many men who were assigned male at birth aren't prepared for badass, loudmouth girlfriends. Even Rebecca Walker did this.  Like, really, dating mainly women and hanging out in lesbian circles for a chunk of your twenties isn't unheard of.  I know a few people who mainly dated one gender and now more date another.  I identified as bi for a long time and dated mainly guys until my early twenties, dated across genders til my mid-twenties, and for the last few years really only been interested in women and genderqueer folks.  It's sold as this bizarre idea, the boy-crazy lesbian, but other than the labels, other people have this experience, just often more gradually.  My first femme role model married a cis man last fall, and it was hard for me, because I don't want het relationships for myself and had trouble seeing that this grand femme I looked up to could love this particular person and it didn't mean I was somehow doomed to go back to guys.

I worry sometimes because of these stories that I'll develop feelings for men someday and I'll really be miserable, because for me, relationships with men were not good.  Though, I rarely ever had relationships with men I was attracted to, even when I dated guys.  I wasn't very comfortable identifying what I wanted at that time in my life, and maybe that's part of why I dated guys, cuz I didn't know what I wanted (actually, that was a big part of it).  Anyway, I don't know, but I hope I'll never feel the urge to frame any relationship the way this book is being framed.  

More importantly, I think it's valuable to remember that this person isn't the voice of women who've dated women and now date men.  She's one person, with one experience, with simplistic approach (nobody mentioned trans or genderqueer or intersex anybody in this story).  And that doesn't stand for anybody else.

I'm gearing up for January's theme, which will be Health.  Also really loving "What You Really, Really Want," and enjoying finishing up "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (even though I totally called it the wrong name last post).  My lady and I are going on a little romantic getaway in a couple days, which will be awesome.  


I've learned a lot this month about building a healthy relationship, working with conflict, and gained some insights about how I relate to sexuality.  I still feel the need to do work in this area, and I'm committed to the 10 week What You Really, Really Want process.  I'm also going to keep talking about things with my lady, pulling out some of those Gottman exercises, and encouraging her to read the book (or at least parts of it).  I also learned how important it is for me that, if I do see a therapist, I find one who really listens, respects my needs and choices, and is sex-positive and queer-friendly.  I'm good at figuring out what's okay for me and what's not, and that needs to something that's valued in transformational process, whether that process is spiritual, psychological, or what have you.

My lady and I are different, from how our families of origin operate to how much we like to express emotion and talk to our libidos to our relationship with leisure.  And that's not a bad thing.  Difference isn't a deal breaker.  We are also similar in many ways, compatible in many, many ways. 

Also?  I don't have to have it all figured out now.  I don't need to know if this is a happily-ever-after or a long, serious, challenging relationship that lasts awhile and comes to an end.  I just need to do the work, be kind, enjoy, and see how it goes.  I'm glad for her, for us.  Because not only is this a great time, I'm learning a lot.  I'm doing work I want to do, putting energy toward improving my relationship with and understanding of my sexuality, learning about conflict and difference in close relationships.  This is work I need and want to do.  I'm glad I got inspired.

I'm nearing the end of the John Gottman book I've been reading.  I really appreciate the quizzes for each step.  Basically, we're pretty good in most areas except everything related to conflict.  Which I kind of knew, but it was nice to have clarified.  Whether it's soft start up or self-soothing, we don't know what we're doing.  We appreciate each other, share with each other, accept each others' influence, all that wonderful stuff, and we suck at disagreeing.  We seriously screw up when we fight.  It's not that our whole relationship is awful.  In fact, our relationship is great in a lot of ways, but we don't know how fight in a useful, non-harming way.  I don't know how to do this, period.  Sometimes the awfulness of the fighting contaminates the things that are good about the relationship.

This book has been really helpful, and I'm going to do the exercises about fighting with my sweetie.  We're going to continue to put energy there.  I'm pretty pleased with this month's project.

Couple's therapy brought up a lot for me, what with the therapist telling us not to fuck indefinitely.  "Don't have sex," is the background chorus of most of my life, from exes to religion to the community I grew up in.  It's pretty raw, actually.  And even though Crappy Counselor apologized, I am pissed that she insisted even after I told her my history. Why I am so mad?  It's obviously not just about this one straight lady.

When I was twenty-two, fresh out of college in my first “grown-up” job and my first non-campus apartment, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years.  Our relationship wasn’t great for many reasons and hadn’t been since nearly the beginning, but what prompted me to finally call it quits was that he wouldn’t move in with me after he’d said he would.  Talking about moving in together convinced me that even if things weren’t perfect (or in retrospect, even good), at least they were going somewhere.  We were in this together through the tough times, right?  That had been a source of confusion, whether or not our relationship would end when it stopped being fun and/or convenient.  Then, after I thought we were committed to each other, he told me that he’d never planned on moving in with me or anybody else until he was done with school (he had another year and a half).  I thought, Jeez, I have to put up with another year and a half of his bullshit before he’d ever talk about living with me?  So I dumped him, badly, and we had a messy, long break-up.

One part of my narrative of that break up was that he wasn’t ready to commit.  Really, I wasn’t either (also, I was mega into girls).  He and I went our separate ways and both dated other people.  I had a pretty intense off-and-on girlfriend, followed by something that I genuinely thought would last my whole life but only lasted about a year.  As I was exiting that situation, I started dating a new guy who I wasn’t attracted to because I WANTED TO FEEL SOMETHING ELSE.  I was miserable, and I wanted to feel anything but that.  I think I even admitted it, but still, we flung ourselves into a relationship that seemed really serious for a few weeks.  Not quite two months in, I told him I was looking for a partner.  Not a relationship with an expiration date.  Not something where I didn’t know where I stood.  Not something that would be over the minute it got challenging.  He puked, went home, and dumped me the next morning over the phone.  Around the same time I learned that my ex-boyfriend with the “commitment issues” had a serious girlfriend.  I thought, he didn’t even want that, but he has it and I want that and I’m alone!  (And then I cried).

A few months later, I bounced back to that off-and-on girlfriend, and shortly into our reunion I told her that I was looking for a partner, blah blah blah.  She promptly slept with not one but two other women in a week, lied to me about it, and then when I asked why she was acting weird, told me and added, “I lied when I said I was still in love with you.”  She told me she just wasn’t ready.  She couldn’t be with any one person right then, etc.  We spent months in a painful break up, figuring out if we could be friends.  Three and a half months after that bombshell, she started dating another woman who soon moved in with her and was thereafter referred to as her partner.

Oh, and remember that guy who threw up when I said I was looking for something serious?  Around the same time, he got a serious girlfriend who moved in with him too.

I started to freak out a little.  It happened once more a year later, and I became convinced that any time I said, “I want more than a fling,” the person would immediately ditch me and then meet the love of their life.  Because Ex-boyfriend was still with his girlfriend, Ex-girlfriend was still with her partner, even Vomit Boy was still living with his girlfriend.  And I was single.

So, like any normal person, I decided to stop trying to have a serious relationship.  I started this blog to assist my sluthood.  I made out with strange women in bars.  I started dating the woman who is now my ladyfriend and told her on our second date that I didn’t want to rush into anything (and then we rushed in).  It stopped mattering that all my exes had paired up, because they didn’t matter all that much to me anymore.

This week through FB and boredom, I noticed that my ex-boyfriend had changed his status to single.  Lo and behold, my ex-girlfriend had too.   Vomit Boy and his lady are still going strong, but still, funny, no?  I thought they had found the women they would build their lives with, but actually they found women to spend two to three years with, which was about how long they each spent with me, more or less.  I didn’t know anything about those relationships.  I assumed because they were coupled and saying “I’m so in love” that they were committed, or that they’d figured out something I hadn’t.  But, no.  Maybe those relationships were exactly like the fun, temporary ones I’d shared with those same people.  Maybe they weren’t.  But the point is, I don’t know.

Today my lady and I avoided getting into a fight about something stupid when we were both frustrated.  She was a little gentler than she has been, a little more forgiving.  I took a breath and thought, “This is what she needs me to say right now.  This relationship is more important than me saying exactly how annoyed I am this second.”  I trusted that there would be room for me to have my say, and there was.  It was okay.  In fact, it was great.  We did that, we skipped the fight.  This is the partnership I wanted, the heart of it.  That we both say, You matter more to me than getting to vent any moment I feel like it.  That we’re building something.

I didn’t do that with any of my exes, ever.  I don’t know if they did it with the women they dated after me.  But I do know that I am grateful that all of them told me no, that I said what I wanted, that I didn’t languish another few years with people who didn’t want this.  I’m glad I’m diving into all this now, and not in the middle of a break up with any of these people I could have kept by pretending I didn’t want more.

I was thinking about this goal of not fighting as much and fighting less dramatically.  Growing up, my father was verbally and emotionally abusive to everyone in our family.  He was pretty awful for several years, and the only one who ever said, "Don't talk to me/her/us that way" was me, starting when I was in junior high.  My sister isn't confrontational, and my mom was trying not to fight with him in front of us.  So I never saw my parents even disagree, no matter what my father did or said.  Whatever it was, my mother would fold in front of us.  Even when he was screaming in my face for voicing a different opinion about a TV show, even as he was calling us names or kicking our dog at me (with steel-toed boots on) or making my sister cry or leaving for hours at a time with no explanation (he was having an affair), I never saw my mom argue.  I never saw them fight.  I saw him do whatever he wanted and my mom take it.  At the time, it was her silence that really hurt.  I got that he didn't give a shit about me, but I figured she had to actually hate me to listen to him say the things he said and do nothing more than tell me "He just feels threatened.  Let it go."

Later, after she finally divorced him, she told me that they did fight in private.  She argued with him behind closed doors.  Her parents had a very happy marriage and she never saw them fight, so she didn't think you were supposed to disagree in front of the kids.  Around the time of the divorce her father told her that actually they had argued, and that was one of the things he most missed about his late wife.  He missed that my grandmother wasn't there to call him out anymore.  "She loved me enough to help me be a better man, even when I didn't think I needed to be," he said.

I wish my grandparents had sometimes done that in front of their kids.  I wish my mom had sometimes told my dad what she thought when we were there.  I wonder if I've been thinking that not arguing means becoming like I thought my mom was, like if you don't fight hard and whenever you feel slighted or like something's wrong, you're giving a silent nod of approval.  It scares me.

In past relationships, I've fought a lot, and hugely.  I've had a lot of break up talks in all long relationships, and sometimes multiple break ups before one stuck.  Old journals record three-hour arguments, weekends lost to fighting and crying and breaking up and reuniting with painful talks about what needs to change (and then that nothing changed).  I don't want that anymore.  I also don't want to swallow everything I think and feel in order to "get along."

We haven't really fought since last Saturday.  I know my girl listens to me, and that I have space to say what I think and feel, even if she does sometimes get uncomfortable.  ("You have a right to your feelings, and I have a right to mine," she said when I complained that she tenses up when I cry).  I know we're not my parents.  I also know that fighting big and often is my habit in long relationships, and learning something new, especially without guidance, presents some challenges.

How do you learn to do relationships differently?